


Insomnia

by ArbitraryRambunctious (SheepOutTetradecagon)



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Character Study, Gen, M/M, Pining, this is really just some late night musings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-21
Updated: 2017-03-21
Packaged: 2018-10-09 00:44:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,398
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10399914
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SheepOutTetradecagon/pseuds/ArbitraryRambunctious
Summary: Seung-Gil has trouble sleeping and thinks of Phichit.





	

Seung-Gil can’t remember when it first started. At first, it was a rare occurrence. He would wake up in the middle of the night unable to fall asleep again. He didn’t really give it much thought back then. He had other more pressing problems. It became a forgotten memory. A vague recollection of nights spent staring at the roof of his bedroom while listening to his parents breathing in the other room. A faded picture of stark white walls illuminated by the lights shining through the crack in his curtains. 

These days, he sometimes spends several nights in a row without sleeping properly. Not to say he doesn’t try. He will go to bed at a reasonable time, only to be unable to sleep again a few hours later. When it happens, he likes to sit out on the little balcony and reflect. Nothing grand; he is no philosopher. Often he will just count the lights of the city and systemise everything in his head. However, as of lately, although he would never admit it, his sleep-deprived mind has been straying to a certain Thai skater.

The feeling itself is something Seung-Gil is having a hard time to describe. It's a bit like walking through Seoul during the night. The clean lines of the city so orderly and perfectly logical from afar, everything arranged meticulously. Its buildings looming over the streets, throwing shade over the boiling chaos underneath them, or but secrets hidden away inside them. He allows himself to disappear in the emotion. It’s like being lost, but at peace all at once. It makes Seung-Gil feel like he is drowning. 

Sometimes it is like he is walking in a different dimension. One where he can still sense the city; see it, hear it, and feel it like a fleeting touch to the surface of his skin, and yet unable to properly touch it. Unable to interact with it. Sometimes he wonders if he is going mad. If the rush of blood in his ears and the painful beating of his heart against his ribs is the early symptoms of disease. 

They don't meet very often, even though Phichit has declared that they are officially friends. With both of them being busy with their careers, it is hard to spare any time for anything a proper friendship should be. He likes to imagine that in a different reality, they would stand a chance against the cruel set-up of the world. It is a distant thought. He doesn't fool himself; give himself hope of something that could never be. He has shaken off enough friends through the years to know he isn't an easy person to keep up with. Head full of thoughts and no way of properly expressing them.

That doesn't keep him from enjoying the time they do spend together. The first time they meet after his defeat at the Rostelecom Cup, he just tags along as Phichit and some of the other skaters explores the streets of Helsinki. It is so unlike any city he has ever lived in. Without the blinding lights and vivid crowds, the streets feels almost ancient. It makes his existence feel so small, the only evidence of their visit the footprints they leave in the thin layer of snow covering the ground; a layer that is fleeting in existence itself.

The sound of chattering fades to the background, Seung-Gil keeping his attention on the Thai boy. It feels like watching a bumblebee. The way he watches everything before him with genuine wonder, flitting from one sight to another. How he complains about the cold, dramatically shuddering in his thick coat. Leo will ask him why he is a figure skater if he can't handle the cold, to which Phichit replies being on the ice is an exception, because everything that happens there is obviously magic. Seung-Gil doesn't really believe in magic, but when he sees Phichit on the ice, he can't help but agree that there is indeed something magical to it.

There is too little time. It is irrational, and he knows it. He will spend hours just counting the moments they cannot have. His mind will be working on high gear to find a solution. Logically speaking there is none. The things keeping them apart are far too many. Be it the distance, their difference in character or something entirely else, Seung-Gil will always manage to come up with a reason as to why his feelings aren't sensible. And still, he cannot drop the matter. Some nights, he will be clutching the rail of the little balcony, teeth clenched in rage. It is an addiction he can't shake. No amount of reasoning or attempts at forgetting will steer him away.

Some would call it comical. He feels like he is stuck in a tragic romance novel. He has given up on denying it anymore, because that is what it is. The little jump his heart does every time Phichit says his name. The nervous babbling. He spent a few hours scouring the internet for answers. It all adds up.

"Do you think we get another chance after this life?"    
"Why would you need one, did you mess up?" Phichit asks, his voice teasing.   
Seung-Gil stares at the ground. "I'm not sure anymore".

He will lie awake, dreaming. Conjuring up the images his sleep won’t grant him. Pretend that he isn’t alone in the cold hard bed. His mind always seems to be floating in the inbetweens of consciousness and sleep. It leaves him drained in the morning, but he cannot seem to make himself quit. It is easy to pretend everything is alright. Less to fix his real problems. They loom above him, huge mountains that defy all logic.

His soul must be tainted. He imagines it as a being more graceful than himself. Plain white, with a certainty to its step. It is the part of him that he can’t harmonise with. It sits on a plain throne, dictating his movements, reigning in the heart, finding the flaws in his logic. It never wanted colour before it had it, and then it wasn’t enough. It keeps sprinting after the soft warm hues, hoping to catch another wisp of pigment. 

For every encounter, his dreams become more vivid; both the ones that consumed his waking hours and the sporadic sleep induced ones.

The edges aren’t as sharp anymore. They melt away with every fleeting touch.

All his equations end in imaginary numbers.

He stops.

The next time they meet, they are sitting on the steps of the stairs leading away from the town square. The autumn air feels a bit chilly, but it is bearable. It will give in to the cold hands of winter soon enough. Their hands are resting in the space between them, never really touching.They’re asymptotes, always reaching out, yet without breaking the invisible limit between them.  Seung-Gil feels like he is staring at Phichit through a glass wall. One he cannot breach. 

They sit in silence, watching their breath turn visible in the cold air. The mist leaves Phichit’s mouth in irregular clouds like silky puffs of smoke caressing his lips. Seung-Gil can barely keep his wits about him when Phichit catches him in staring, grinning radiantly. He feels like he is staring into a supernova. He wants to look away. Wants the wall he has built to strengthen and shatter at the same time.

In the end, he ends up grabbing the hand next to him. 

He stops, and the limit shatters.

“Your hand is cold.”

“So is yours.”

“I take it you corrected your mistake?”

Seung-Gil shakes his head. “Not yet. I am willing to try. Regardless of how many chances I’m given.”

Phichit clenches his hand. It feels like a line tying him to the ground. “I think one will suffice for now.”

He sometimes spends several nights in a row without sleeping properly. Not to say he doesn’t try. When it happens he still sits out on the balcony. He will still count the lights of the city. He’ll think of a certain Thai skater. It is not possible for them to spend every moment together, not with how their lives are currently structured. It doesn’t keep him from waiting. Counting down the days until they meet again next. There are worse things to spend his nights on.

**Author's Note:**

> *Eyes pile of unifinished fics* This is totally not procrastinating, nope.  
> Anyway, thanks for reading this! Also huge thanks to Blu_Bell for betaing for me!! 
> 
> You can find me at sheepouttetradecagon.tumblr.com if you want to scream at me!


End file.
